Batter Up! A Mini-Guide to Hits

Alright, girlfriend. If you’ve stuck with me this far, you know about the rules around arguing with an umpire, strike zones, how to get rid of a football accent, batting order, designated hitters, why you should take a cafeteria tray to a live game, ways to develop a passion for a team, hanging in with a losing team, and the importance of watching Bull Durham at least once every baseball season. You are coming along quite nicely! Review if needed, but let’s cowboy up and let’s talk about hitters.

The beginning focus of every play is what happens amongst the pitcher who throws the ball, the batter that tries to hit the ball, the catcher who catches the ball if it isn’t hit, and the umpire who is watching the ball’s relationship with the strike zone.

Announcers and sports writers will often describe hits with a vivid phrase or a zippy string of words. So as we discuss the different kinds of hits, let’s work on your baseball “patter” and give you some colorful phrases to use to describe the hits you see.

Every legal pitch will result in a foul, a ball, a strike or a hit. Hits can result in any of the following:

Base hit: refers to any hit that gets a batter on base. (I was watching the Monday game with Marcy the Bus Attendant who was a bit of a sailor in another lifetime and since we were watching the Seattle Mariners, we started shouting the nautical phrase “Permission to come aboard, Captain!” for base hits.)

Bunt: a type of hit that occurs when the batter hold the bat stationary and lets the ball bounce off the bat into fair territory, not very far from home plate. This usually done with no outs, because when you bunt, unless you are a really fast runner or the catcher bobbles the ball, you are probably going to be thrown out. So why do it? Typically a batter bunts if there is already a runner on first base. The runner on first can usually advance to second before any one gets to the ball, because whoever reaches the ball usually takes the sure thing and throws it to first to get an out. This is called a sacrifice bunt and there is an important lesson here. Sometimes, you just got to take one for the team. So in your patter, clap appreciatiatively and mutter, “nominate that guy as a saint” or “nice tapper” or "ba-da-bing!"

Note: You see, it doesn’t really matter if what you say has ever been said before or sounds silly. All baseball talk sounds silly when it is first said. Baseball has lots of rules and minutiae, but this is one of the places you can be colorful and creative as a fan. If you are bored, make stuff up until you get a rise out of The Boyfriend or The Baseball Buddy. Once you do, back off a bit so they don’t throw you out of the room. Don’t worry. You’ll get another chance, especially if someone hits a home run. (SEE HOME RUNS BELOW.)

Fly Ball: a ball hit by the batter that travels up into the air and has not yet touched the ground. If it is caught before hitting the ground, and these often are caught, the batter is out. If a batter hits it in such a way that the ball is caught and he is out, but it is not the last out and a runner advances, that is called a sacrifice fly or sac-fly. The advancing runner, of course, can not leave the bag before the ball is caught so he has to have enough time to get to the next base without getting thrown out for this all to work. If it is a weak hit, call it a “blooper” or use the word “plunked.” If it goes deep into the outfield, you can use phrases like “to the wall” or “slammer” or "Ball OverBoard!"

Home Run: Most home runs are hit outside the fence and inside fair territory. Rarely, you might see an in-the-park home run which means the ball doesn’t leave the park but goes somewhere, orders a hot dog or talks to a fan, but something happens that the runner has enough time to circumnavigate (a great Mariner term!) all the bases and make it home on the hit. The home run hit out of the park is where you can practice being the most colorful. Yell, “It’s outta here!” “Goodbye baseball!” If it is particularly well hit, try “That ball needed a passport!” or “Hello, Tokyo!” or “To the Moon, Alice!” or “That ball's going downtown!”

Ground ball: a ball that hit by the batter that bounces or rolls along the ground. You can call it a “hop” or a “grounder” or a “bouncer.”

Line Drive: a hard hit ball that travels horizontal to the ground. If you can hit it between two fielders, it will often zip into the outfield too fast or far away to be caught. But you may also see one of those great plays where the infielder throw himself head first and reaches out at some impossible angle, and comes up with the ball in his gloved hand pointing victoriously to the sky and now wearing a uniform smeared with dirt which he wears as a kind of status symbol for the rest of the game. When you see a line drive and it heads to the outfield without being caught, you can say, “Frozen rope!” “It’s the zipster!” “Coming through!” or “Right down the pipe!” Or The Boyfriend’s favorite, “He got a piece of that one!”

Baseball is fun, so whether you attending a live game or watching one on tv, try your hand at some colorful patter. If you are watching with other Girlfriends, challenge each other and see who can be the most creative in their baseball announcing. (HINT: Your suggestions sound a whole lot better after a couple of margaritas.) And while you are at it, throw me “a tomato over the plate” and post a comment with your own suggestions. I need some new lines.