¿ Habla Béisbol?

As you begin your journey to understand baseball, realize you are going into a foreign country. You must learn a new language. When you first learn Spanish, you tend to make embarrassing mistakes (like saying “estoy muy embarazada” I am very pregnant instead of saying “estoy muy apenada” I am very embarrassed.) Baseball has its own language, too, and you can be “muy apenada” if you blurt out something that marks you as a MOFF ( “More of a Football Fan”) Trust me, my Green Bay Packer accent comes out every once in a while and The Boyfriend never fails give me the Stink Eye. So let’s start at the beginning. Here is your vocabulary list to work on.

Innings, Not Periods. Baseball divides itself into nine innings, with a top of the inning (when the visiting team bats) and the bottom of the inning (when the home team bats.) Innings, not periods. Guys are weird about periods and baseball is even weirder about them. Baseball is timeless. Not in the classic way, but it doesn’t set a time limit on a game. You play nine innings and if someone is ahead at the end of nine innings, that team wins. A game can last two hours, but it might last five hours if it goes into extra innings. Never say the fifth period.

Runs, Not Points. In football, a score can give you 1 points, 3 points or 6 points depending how it's done. Basketball can give you 1 point, 2 points or 3 points. Baseball in its simplicity gives you one for one. But don’t call them points. They are runs. And you only get them by in some fashion going around and touching every base in an inning and then stomping on home plate. Never say “the Rockies are ahead by two points.” Stink Eye Time! I know. I’ve been there.

Extra Innings, Not Overtime. I actually heard a sports announcer say the Red Sox had taken the game into overtime, so don’t feel bad if you make that mistake, too. But remember, baseball is timeless. So no overtime. Just extra innings. Teams play to the bottom of the inning and who ever is ahead, wins. If it is still tied at the end of the inning, they start another inning.

Managers, not Coaches. Okay, I mess up here a lot because of my football background. Baseball has coaches, but they usually specialize, like the pitching coach or the first base coach. The Main Honcho Father Figure Guy is called the Manager. They let him wear the same kind of uniform as the other players so he can feel like one of the guys. It’s custom unique to baseball. But when The Main Honcho Father Figure Guy walks out to the mound to talk to the pitcher, it rarely is to say “Hey, we look like twins!” or to say, “Say, me and the guys are grabbing a beer after the game…” It’s to pat the pitcher on the butt and send him off the field.

Seventh Inning Stretch, Not Halftime. The Seventh Inning Stretch is a slightly longer break between the top of the Seventh Inning (after the visiting team hits) and the bottom of the Seventh Inning (when the home team hits.) Don’t ask me why they don’t put it in the middle of the game which would be in the middle of the Fourth (usually about the time I’m taking my nap.) There is no half time, of course. But what the Seventh Inning Stretch lacks in halftime shows, marching bands, and past-their-prime-pop-stars, it makes up in chances to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, a chance to get a beer at last call, an opportunity to get a head start on traffic, or get “muy embarazada” if you are watching the game at home. Make it quick though. You don’t have much time.

This is for you, girlfriend.

Admit it. You don’t get baseball. Why do people get so crazy about it? It is hardly America’s national pastime any more. That accolade belongs to football. And football makes sense. Big guys push around other big guys and the little guy with the ball runs really fast. Got it. You can’t ever remember watching an entire game of baseball ever. And now you’ve gone and got involved with a baseball fanatic. Someone whose idea of an exciting date is to go to a bar, order a Miller High Life and watch a Red Sox/Yankees game. And can think that a 2-1 score can be the most exciting game that he ever saw. (Of course, only if the Red Sox win.)

I’ve been there. My family were Green Bay Packer fans so we were genetic MOFFs (More Of a Football Fan). The only baseball games I went to were a few in college and that was more for the tailgate parties and a chance to meet guys than for the game.

And then I started a long distance relationship with a Red Sox fan whose best friend was a Cleveland Indians fan. Sitting on the couch between them and their banter, I figured out quickly that if I wasn’t going to be left behind, I had to learn something about baseball. Up until then, baseball appeared to me to be a game of nothing more than grown men waiting for something to happen: waiting to throw a ball, waiting to hit a ball and waiting for someone to come to your base and waiting for a ball to pop up and come to you in the outfield.

So I kept asking questions of the Boyfriend and the Baseball Buddy. Why does that batter fight with the ump? Shouldn't he be nice to him? Why does the batter go through that funky ritual every blooming time he bats? Isn't that against the rules to try to take out the second baseman when you slide?

It took me awhile, but I found it. I found something that makes me really like the game. It’s the quirkiness, the personalities, the superstitions, the rituals, the teamwork, and the oddities that make me really like this game. Stats still bore me and I’m not one to analyze to death whether a manager should have taken out a starting pitcher sooner and I often fall asleep during the 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th Innings. But baseball is a great game, and if you approach it right, I bet you’ll discover that for yourself. And maybe you’ll fall in love with baseball even if you fall out of love with the boyfriend. So first you have to understand the game just enough to watch it. Then you got to find the fun stuff in it and ignore the stuff that bores you to tears.

This is for you, girlfriend.